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Writer's pictureBryan Stelter

STATEN ISLAND HEROES: HOW HOLTERMANN’S BAKERY MAY HAVE SAVED WHOOPI GOLDBERG’S LIFE


Move over, Staten Island Ferry. There’s a new savior in town: Holtermann’s Bakery. In a twist no one saw coming, the 146-year-old Staten Island institution may have inadvertently performed a heroic act by denying Whoopi Goldberg the sugary indulgences she so desperately craved. And let’s face it, America, this might just be the caloric intervention Whoopi didn’t know she needed.



A Broken Boiler, or a Blessing in Disguise?


The saga began innocently enough. Holtermann’s Bakery was grappling with a broken boiler, a hiccup that temporarily sidelined its pastry production. Enter Whoopi Goldberg, whose desire for cupcakes collided headfirst with a dose of Staten Island reality. With the bakery unable to fulfill her request, Whoopi leapt to a wild conclusion: This must be because of my politics! Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that boilers, much like calorie counts, have limits.


But what if this “snub” was actually a divine intervention? After all, Staten Islanders whispered (between bites of their world-class baked goods) that Whoopi might have dodged a caloric bullet. With the holidays approaching and America’s waistbands already groaning, perhaps Holtermann’s did what her personal trainer couldn’t: keep her from diving headfirst into a frosting-filled frenzy.



A Cupcake Catastrophe Averted


Let’s do the math. Holtermann’s cupcakes are reportedly packed with enough sugar and butter to bring a grown man to his knees. A single serving could outdo even the most decadent dessert table at The View’s post-show spread. By not indulging in this Staten Island delicacy, Whoopi may have spared herself a calorie count higher than her last royalty check.


If Whoopi had gotten her hands on that pink-dotted box, the results could have been catastrophic:


  • Immediate sugar rush: Whoopi’s co-hosts might’ve been forced to stage an intervention on live TV.


  • Wardrobe malfunction: Let’s not pretend Spanx are miracle workers and a burqa would just spark more controversy.


  • Long-term consequences: That single cupcake could have snowballed into a “just one more” binge, leaving her stranded on Cupcake Island, turning tricks for chubby chasers to get her fix.



Staten Island: The True MVP


The bakery’s broken boiler wasn’t just a hardware malfunction; it was a beacon of hope. While Whoopi may have seen this as a political slight, Staten Islanders recognized it for what it was: a selfless act of preservation. Whoopi didn’t just avoid cupcakes—she avoided a bigger ass.


And let’s not forget Staten Island’s role in this. Known for its no-nonsense attitude and resilience, the borough collectively decided: No, Whoopi, you don’t need this. While the bakery couldn’t serve her politically neutral pastries, they served her something far more valuable—restraint.



A Lesson in Moderation (and Irony)


The irony of this situation is as rich as Holtermann’s buttercream frosting. Here’s Whoopi Goldberg, a Hollywood icon with access to Michelin-starred chefs and personal nutritionists, up in arms over a Staten Island bakery’s inability to cater to her cravings. Yet, that very bakery may have given her the gift of self-control—albeit accidentally.


Maybe, just maybe, this is the wake-up call Whoopi needed. Instead of lamenting her pastry-less plight, perhaps she’ll take a moment to reflect. Staten Island didn’t conspire against her; it conspired for her. The bakery didn’t withhold cupcakes—it withheld empty calories.



Final Thoughts: Staten Island, America’s Real Hero


In an era where everyone’s playing the victim, Holtermann’s Bakery stands as a shining light of unintended heroism. It saved a life—or at least some chair legs. Staten Islanders will continue to enjoy their beloved baked goods, secure in the knowledge that they’ve done their part to keep Whoopi Goldberg’s already bovine figure from becoming a climate change issue.


So, thank you, Holtermann’s. You didn’t just serve Staten Island; you served America... by not serving a unhinged race baiting pig!


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